Anxiety and Screaming Babies

I was minding my own business in one of those warehouse shopping stores when suddenly I was assaulted by an eardrum shattering wail that made my skin crawl. A crying toddler, possibly the most painful sound known to shoppers worldwide. “Where is that dang baby’s mother!” I counter wailed in my head. “Make it stop!” Then you see the mother and father shopping, talking and looking as if there is no shrieking siren blasting us from their cart. What is that?? Do they not know I can’t take it any longer!! Well the truth is nothing like that. It is habituation actually. What I am tempted to think of as bad parenting is simply the process of getting used to something. At first it is terrible but with exposure it becomes a non-event essentially. Those parents hear the child but are not bothered anything like someone who is first hearing the mind-numbing symphony. That is why exposure for certain types of anxiety is crucial for getting over it. At first it seems terrible but if you stay with it, it stops bothering you. These parents have accepted that loud sounds will blast from that little one at random times and have become so used to it that it is hardly on the radar. In the same way, if you accept the anxiety and willingly feel it, then you will get used to it and it will stop being an issue.

Glad that wasn’t my baby. 

Medical News: Fertility Treatment Not Affected by Stress - in OB/Gyn, Infertility from MedPage Today

Medical News: Fertility Treatment Not Affected by Stress - in OB/Gyn, Infertility from MedPage Today

The Pain of Exclusion

Interesting summary of article on Ostracism (or feeling left out)

I guess it goes without saying that no one likes to be left out, ignored or rejected. However, there were some surprises in the summary of research in this article in Scientific American. Here were the highlights

1. There is a surprisingly powerful emotional response that is swift and strong. If someone says that what other people think doesn’t matter, well, that is very unlikely.
2. The effect is across the board. Everyone gets hurt and it doesn't make a huge difference if you care about the person who blows you off or not. Nor does it matter if you know them or not, it still hurts.
3. The initial pain is similar no matter how tough or sensitive a person is or claims to be. It really hurts a lot.
4. Personality traits influence coping and recovery but not initial pain. For example, socially anxious people take a lot longer to recover but are NOT hurt more than anyone else at first.
5. Right after feeling hurt a huge psychological effect is evident. It influences meta-frames or our big assumptions about: general belonging, self worth, life’s meaning, control, sadness and anger. All of these take a hard turn toward the negative until a person begins to recover.
6. Apparently this experience happens quite a bit.
7. There is an urge to escape or fight back (get even) or there is an increase in desire and behavior to be included.
8. Feeling ostracized physically hurts. In one study, subjects were given regular doses of an over-the-counter painkiller and their response to the rejecting event was reduced.

Between Heaven & Hell (excerpt)

10 Insights from Psychological Research In 2010**

1. To break a bad habit focus on stopping the behavior before it starts by vigilant monitoring of any hint of the behavior. Don’t do it!
2. Touch impacts mood. If things around you “feel” good to your touch your mood will generally be better.
3. People are generally bad at estimating how long something will take to do. People in power are the worst. To improve be honest about obstacles, how long did it take before and be realistic about sub-tasks.
4. To be happier, learn to savor day-to-day experiences. (Rich people seem to lose the ability to do this)
5. Engaging in simple acts of willpower requiring small amounts of self-control significantly increases your overall self-control and willpower.
6. Being generally pleasant (agreeable), responsible and even-tempered are the most important personality traits to a have a happy relationship.
7. Holding powerful poses or postures actually makes you biologically more powerful. Spread your limbs wide, stand up straight and lean into conversations.
8. If you want to gauge how “in-love” someone is, look to spontaneous in-the-moment acts of kindness and generosity, like saying “I love you,” offering a back rub, or surprising your partner with a gourmet dinner – not so much in ways that require forethought, planning, or memory.
9. It is easier to cut your losses if you take the view of what will be gained with stopping rather than focus on what is lost.
10. The best way to deal with conflict is to determine how serious the problem is. Things that aren’t so big are better being just dropped. Major conflicts are better if faced and talked about.

**Read this article for a complete summary

The Top 10 Psychology Studies of 2010 by Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201012/the-top-10-psychology-studies-2010

The Power of Apology

In the practice of psychology there are certain statements that stand out. This is notable because psychotherapy is generally about very intense and often troubling issues. Frankly, you get used to dramatic things. Nevertheless, I still find the following statement remarkable whenever I hear it.

"I can't ever remember (person's name) saying, 'I am sorry'. They never apologize." I have to ask, "Never?"... "Yes." "Ever?" "Yes." "Really?" "Yes." "Wow." That is an extraordinary statement. The inability to apologize is absolutely disastrous for relationships. Disastrous. First of all, it is impossible to not offend. The simple absolute fact is that we are all annoying at times. To not apologize suggests a striking commitment to deny this obvious reality. It is profoundly unrealistic if not dishonest. What makes it so hard to apologize?

Most of us are not so self-deceived that we would refuse to ever apologize; yet, a genuine heartfelt apology can be extraordinarily difficult. Think about it, is this hardship worth the loss of a relationship? Why is the choice to walk away made so often? Why do we do this?

An apology contains the cure for a wounded heart. It is carrying the power to heal into the soul of another person. I think heal is the right word for this. When an apology is offered by a person who is truly sorry, this powerful act can remove obstacles that previously seemed insurmountable. What are the psychological obstacles to this?

1. Apology withheld as "ransom" until the other person apologizes. I will apologize if they apologize! Actually, offering an apology is far more likely to be reciprocated with an apology in return.
2. Fear that if you give an inch they will take a mile. If I apologize then I will really get my nose rubbed in it. If you hurt someone then take your lumps.
3. Concern about all or nothing. Sometimes a person may still think they are right. Apologizing would feel dishonest. However, you can apologize for how you acted. Frankly, in almost all fights it is not so much what you say (unless you are being mean) but how you say it.
4. Gotten burned for not doing it right. Sometimes an apology is not accepted or criticized. Usually, it is because it is not really a full apology. Appeasing is not apologizing.
5. Secretly afraid you are "rejectable." If you fear that someone's distress at you could lead to rejection than you are going to try and prove them wrong. Frankly, this backfires. Your defensiveness is probably far worse to that person than anything you were imagining.
6. Chief of all sins, pride. Feeling superior and contemptuous of other people will form a self-protective shield around you. Stand back and look at your life. Eventually people will move away from you. You want to really be respected and honored? Try humility.

An apology is the risk of love. The other person already knows you are a mess. They won't run in horror if you admit your flaws. They will actually move closer because this humility makes you safe. I will know if you hurt me you will fix it. That is safe!

Frankly, it is not the mistakes we make that break up relationships but our unwillingness to own our flaws. If someone is unwilling to admit to their mistakes they are not hard to be with, they are impossible to be with in any meaningful way. Eventually people will just "manage" such a person and avoid intimacy and self-disclosure because that person is not safe.

Many things in life are paradoxical. For example, fear is solved by facing it rather than doing what seems natural, i.e., avoiding it. An apology feels like in invitation to humiliation and rejection but it actually leads to respect and intimacy.

Having a fight at night

A lot of people, including myself, consider the Bible as inspired by God and aspire to live accordingly. There is a statement in the New Testament: do not let the sun go down on your anger. This is interpreted to mean don't wait until the next day so you won't harbor anger. Actually, I think it is subtly changed in our minds. What it becomes is, "don't go to sleep with anger." It does not say that. I want to propose a different way of thinking of this that is closer to the wording. If the sun has set, too late. You have to wait until sun up to deal with the anger. It is almost always disastrous to fight when you get in bed to sleep. Have you not slept on something and the next morning have a much better perspective? Is that a contradiction of the Bible's wisdom? I don't think so. After sunset our physiology begins changing as we calm and prepare for sleep. That neurological state is terrible for fighting. Fighting well requires self-control, preparation if possible, and enough alert time to resolve it. Fights are inefficient. If you artificially bind your time by starting when exhausted the pressure increases. Usually the offended party has been mulling over the issue which means thinking it through and answering possible objections. That is an unfair advantage and usually evokes defensiveness. So consider this. After sunset wait until the sun is back up to try and solve the problem. What do you think?